(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.