ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
You Might Also Like
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.