I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
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Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory