Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE