You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Home is where your toilet is.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
meanwhile over on facebook
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster