My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
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*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Look at this
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.