Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
You Might Also Like
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop