Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly