Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
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all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song