Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
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this… may be the greatest story ever told
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
guilty
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.