I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Actually cracking up @ this
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
This classic never gets old . . .
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it