Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.