WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower