wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Stonehinge
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling