Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
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Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?