[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I came this close!!!!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Okay
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?