[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
congratulations to them
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
These work great until they don’t.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook