pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Every work call, he judges.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Damn he played himself