It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
You Might Also Like
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks