There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
how to market bottled water to dads
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck