these two trucks have the same bed length
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
This why you should mind your business
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.