“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
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Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
just witnessed a drug deal
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“