Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
japanese corn
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*