I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”