I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Warm pools make me nervous.