Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
had to share :’)
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.