I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
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My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
The Struggle
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?