[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Liquor Store Parking
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺