spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Cardio Made Easy
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.