CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some