Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
drew a comic about my origin story
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
worst…sale…ever
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh