She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.