A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Growing up was a huge mistake
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho