Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.