the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage