Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Sorry. Not sorry
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo