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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Nice try Hitler
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea