Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole