Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now