Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
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Omg 🤣
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.