i hate you platonically
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Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.