It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
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Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Tell the colonel to bring it
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.