Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!