Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
You Might Also Like
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Mad Max: Furry Road
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far