People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
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We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: