ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
How I like cutting carbs
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.