Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
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ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie