Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack