We like the way Dwight thinks
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I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.