“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Always 🥴
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.